The woman I want to become

If you know my background, you know how important security is to me. That doesn't mean I don't want to take risks. Quite the opposite: you only live once. If a chance presents itself, take it. My biggest fear isn't the things I've done, it's regretting the things I didn't do. What I mean by security is really trust and loyalty. Those are two constants I want to give to the people around me, and that I want to hold myself to as well.

When I set a goal, I reach it. It's a kind of promise I make to myself. I want to be free, and to get out of my comfort zone as much as possible. That's why traveling and getting to know other cultures matters so much to me, diving as deep as I can into a country and its people. I believe that to be a good person, you have to understand other people's souls.

Open-minded and empathetic. I never want to think that I'm entitled to anything in this world by default.

I want to be smart. I'm drawn to people others would call nerds, because they've developed an obsession with solving certain problems. I never want to be the smartest person in the room, but I always want to strive toward that level.

My view of myself is very ambivalent. On one hand, I'm extremely confident, because I know what I've achieved. I survived a decade of a violent childhood. I looked into the abyss so many times and swallowed glass. But again and again, I bloomed anyway. I've run ultramarathons and learned Chinese. I know things like that take real perseverance.

On the other hand, I think I'm never good enough. I compare myself to men much older than me who have already built million-dollar businesses. Interestingly, the comparison feels different with women. Every now and then I catch myself comparing my looks to other women's, and I'm ashamed of it. I don't want that. There are so many beautiful people, but berries stay berries and oranges stay oranges. Everyone has a favorite fruit.

I want to carry a good heart. I want to be a safe harbor for the people I love. If you call me, I'm there, no matter when, no matter what. I will never leave you behind.

Life is a gift, and I'm grateful for it. Every night before I fall asleep, I think of three things I'm grateful for. It's an important ritual, because it reminds me that nothing is guaranteed, and it keeps me focused on what actually matters. For me, that's the people I love.

This last one is very personal, and I know it's still some years away, but when the time comes, I will be a good mother. Very different from my own. I will give what I always wished I'd had.